Editor’s note: This post is part of the Women’s Money Week.
On my way to lunch, I was walking behind two women in their mid-thirties. They were talking about work-life balance and their conversation went like this:
‘I am expected to teach, do admin and publish in these top-notch journals. Men at my department do it but they don’t have to look after a three-year-old, cook the dinner and run the house. I just can’t do it.’
‘Yes, I’m finding my life impossible as well. By the time I’ve done my teaching and looked after my daughter, I can hardly write my own name; what about writing break-through articles.’
‘And it isn’t the same for people who don’t have children or their children are grown up. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Worse thing is I don’t feel I’m a good academic or mum.’
And so it went on! These women were stressed about their money, their jobs and their lives.
I’ve been there. I mean, ten years ago, I had a big job and a small child.
Today, I have only the ‘big job’: most of my readers know that I have a chair (full professorship) in a high-ranking university, I teach, research and publish, and, for my sins, I became Head of Division (four different departments) at the beginning of January.
Back when I had a big job and a small child, I remember:
- Staring lovingly at the impression of a baby tooth left on my glasses case (I was in a hotel in Vienna);
- Sending an email message to the editor of a book to tell him that I’ll be late with my chapter because my son broke my glasses (and it was true);
- Being awake when everyone else in the house was asleep – so I can sneak in a bit of writing;
- Getting so preoccupied with an idea that I forgot my toddler son is at home.
You see, I’m not a superwoman. There were many signs that my worlds – the world of a scholar and the life of a mummy – had collided. I did many strange things.
I still never had a conversation like the one I overheard. My ‘now’ and ‘then’ are connected by making a predicament into a problem, a big problem of reconciling being a scholar and a mummy, but still, there were solutions.
I had my cake and ate it; this is what I think made this possible.
Achieve work-life balance or how to get out of your predicament
Did you notice that during the conversation I overheard, one of the women said, ‘I just can’t do it.’?
Don’t do that! First, don’t get drawn into this kind of conversation – sharing can be therapeutic, but outbidding each other on who has the largest predicament is probably counter-productive.
Second, don’t put yourself into a predicament. Whenever you say ‘I can’t,’ you have accepted defeat, and there is no solution. Or, shall I say, your brain is not conditioned to seek a solution?
Turn your predicament into a problem; ask ‘under what conditions I can make it’. You (and your brain, of course) will work out the conditions under which it is possible to advance in your career and have a life (family life included).
Once you’ve worked out the conditions, zero in on every one of these and make sure that you can create them. It is all about problems with solutions, you see.
My sister in law, who was a single mum at a time when this was very much frowned upon, arranged a bartering agreement with her landlady so she can go out to work: she cleaned and cooked for her (and paid rent), and in exchange, the landlady looked after her baby.
Ensure you are productive, not busy
Lately, I’ve started spending a lot of time being busy and not really productive. In my day job, I’ve been slipping into overrunning meetings (after all, some people come to me in quite a state) and then my whole schedule falls under the weight of the implications.
At home, some of my writing time goes on doing ‘the round’: checking Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn etc. I can try and tell you that it helps me relax and gets me in the groove for writing. But I know you’ll call me out on this one.
It keeps me busy but has very low value in terms of productivity.
Keeping the balance between work and life works much better when time sucks are consistently eliminated and you keep your eye on being productive.
Being productive has three elements to it:
a) Make your choices. This is about choosing what to do and what not to do; about deciding how to achieve maximum effect with the optimal effort. For instance, I knew that two things will get me maximum return in academe: publishing and getting grants. I also didn’t want to travel for work as much as I did before my son was born. So, when he was young I did middle-level management jobs at the university – I love building organisations, it kept me at home and provided material for my research into university governance and change.
b) When you have to choose between your work and your child choose your child. Don’t forget that the time when they really need you and want you around is very limited. Before you know it you’ll be the most embarrassing person ever and will be asked to stay out of the way.
c) Compartmentalise your time. When my son was young, I knew exactly how long I have to finish a piece of writing so that I can look after him and play with him. During that time – be it only an hour – I worked like the Devil himself was on my tail. As Woody Allen said, you’d be amazed how productive you can be when you work only four hours a day.
Keep your focus
Work out where you want to be in your career and your life; make sure that these wishes reconcile.
Once you know where you want to be start working on the conditions that will enable you to get there and the actions you need to take to make your dream(s) reality. Every day, every week and every month should take you closer.
Don’t meander, don’t hesitate. You want to do it and you can.
Choose your life partner well
This is about choosing your life partner well (or shall I say, I hope you have chosen well).
To be able to work out a balance between your career and your home life, you need support, and you need a partner with whom you can share everything.
You also need to discuss the ‘contract’ of your relationship and the arrangements that this involves.
Some of my friends have very traditional arrangements where their husbands go out to work, are the main breadwinners, and expect not to take part in anything related to managing the household and/or the upbringing of children.
Our arrangement is somewhat different. And it wasn’t even my idea: John started all this. After he phoned the clinic and was told that I was pregnant, he looked at me and said:
‘And we share everything.’
‘What do you mean?’ – I asked.
‘I mean, we share everything equally. We share looking after this child and bringing in the income.’
This is how it is with us. Sometimes, he earns more, and I do more in the house; at other times, the positions are reversed.
We always add up to a unit!
Final thoughts on work-life balance for women
Yes, I believe that women today can have a work-life balance. We can have successful careers, start and run businesses and have a family life as well. It is all a matter of attitude, organisation, and choosing carefully and well.
And when I think I used to joke that I have no problem with my work-life balance because work has become my life!
As a male, I had a very busy life. I do not pretend to know what it is like as a woman, but my wife and I shared many responsibilities. I found that I was much more productive and efficient when I was busy. It is much easier to let things slide when you have less to do. I worked 60- 70 hours a week when I was in business. Now I only work roughly 30-35 hours a week, but spent 40-50 hours blogging. Man or woman, there is always time for the things I want to do versus the things I have to do. Just my opinion.
@Krant: Wow; this is a lot of time blogging. I agree with you on being better when there is much to do; still, it’s easy I believe to fall in the trap of only being ‘busy’ – doing things that don’t get us very far in life and careers but…we just do them. Still, with a bit of organising anything is possible.
Another male perspective here…it’s pretty amazing the lengths women (mothers) go to in order to balance all of life’s responsibilities. That’s especially so for single mothers. We have a 1.5 year old son and I simply couldn’t even imagine trying to work full time and do all of the parenting tasks. Even for the women who have “chosen their life partner well”, balancing everything can still be rough. In our household, tasks are allocated pretty evenly. That said, my wife still goes out of the way and often pushes herself close to her limits…I think that’s just a motherly instinct!
@Mr Utopia: It is not easy; particularly when you try to do everything. Even when your toddler goes to childcare (and in many cases this is not justified financially because care can cost more than the mum earns) it is hard to reconcile. But it is possible and many young women (and men) just never try because they fall into stereotypes.
If you are well organized you can balance the two, some successful people have 5-6 kids and still seem to have plenty of time during the day, I don’t know how they do it, but if I had a good career I would have a cleaner and other convenience services so all my free time is for my leisure and family. Otherwise it is not worth the sacrifice for me.
@Pauline: quite right. You do it by outsourcing all ‘non-essential’ household duties. All notions about being Mother Earth and a Domestic Goddess should be left aside. It all gets better the older the children but one still needs to watch how often they say ‘yes’ when they really shouldn’t.
Great post Maria. I find myself constantly struggling to find the balance but it appears to be a moving target. I read somewhere about people suffering from “popcorn brain” syndrome as a result of being bombarded with information, competing deadlines and expectations (sometimes self-imposed) to be nonstop on. Sounds like an exact description of my brain and it is overwhelming. However, I do realize that there are many opportunities to do things more efficiently in my work and in my life, to prioritize and get rid of the clutter. So that gives me hope.
@Maya: Hi Maya and great to hear from you again :). Yep, this is how I feel when I’m trying to cover absolutely everything in all domains of my life. This changes when I ‘zero in’ on something – than the balance seems to work itself out. Now, and hope temporary, I will apply for admittance to the ‘popcorn brain club’.
It’s not just a woman’s job to raise a child and keep the house tidy. The best thing I ever did for work/life balance and my happiness was choose a partner who is an equal and who pulls his weight. I know that when we have kids, he’ll keep up the momentum just as much as I do. After all, we both work!
@Daisy: Well done! I did think that choosing a partner is very important for being able to keep the balance. And no, jobs are not gendered and stereotyping hardly ever works in life.